Competitive Parenting

It starts in the nursery, with parents comparing Apgar scores, and it continues to the nursing home, where elderly parents are still eager to one-up each other with the accomplishments of their long-grown children.

It is impossible to survive an afternoon playgroup without hearing:

"Oh, Jeffrey starting walking at eight months!"

or

"Abigail's been reading since she was two!"

Competition has always been a hallmark of parenting, but in today's success-driven society it is easier than ever to get caught up in wondering how your child measures up to his or her peers. Parents are now measuring their own success through their children: the number of languages they speak, the number of countries they have visited, and how many books they have read. And it seems that these boasting parents are there just to make you doubt your child's intelligence, or question your parenting skills.

But while a little competition might be helpful at work or on the sports field, its consequences can be harmful to your child who might feel that your love is conditional to his or her achievements. So how can you avoid the slide down the slippery slope of competitive parenting? It's easier than you might think:

• Try to remember that boastful talk is not about the kids, it's about the parents. So when another parent brags about her son's fluent Italian, don't beat yourself up about your uni-lingual child. Remind yourself that just like you, she's looking for reassurance that she's doing a good job as a parent.
• Keep in mind that your child is an individual- and that's a good thing! All children develop at their own pace, and have their own particular strengths. So what if Suzy walked at 10 months and Sally walked at 15 months? In the grand scheme of things, a few months doesn't mean a thing!
• Focus on the positive. Instead of wondering why your child isn't potty training as quickly as his friend, try to remember how verbal he is and how quickly he learned his numbers. By focusing on what you child can do you'll be less tempted to focus on what he can't.
• Don't contribute to the competition. When another parent is boasting about her child's accomplishments it's natural to want to respond with something your child has done. Don't. Instead, simply say, "Oh, how lovely," and leave it at that. Rise above the pettiness.

Most importantly, lead by example. Giving into the bragging game will lead to insecurities in yourself and in your child, so have confidence in yourself and in your parenting. And above all, love your child unconditionally so that he can learn to love himself.

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