Unsolicited Parenting Advice
How to Deal With Unwanted Suggestions From Complete Strangers
Oct 7, 2009
Getting advice from complete strangers about how to care for their children takes most new parents by surprise. While few people give personal advice to strangers who have not asked for it, many seem to feel entitled to make suggestions – or even commands – to parents whom they encounter in public with their child. Almost every parent wishes he or she could do without this "helpful" advice.
Advice Which is Meant to be Helpful
Sometimes unsolicited advice is meant well. It is delivered nicely with an "I'm just trying to help" attitude. Often “friendly” advice can be worse for the parent on the receiving end of the suggestion than if the stranger were blatantly critical. A parent can end up feeling guilty for hating the advice so much when, after all, the person thought he was helping out.
Why People Feel Compelled to Give Out Advice
"I tend to believe gratuitous advice is loaded with psychological meaning for the person who's giving it," says Dr. Spyros Orfanos*, a Manhattan psychologist and psychoanalyst who specializes in children and parenting. "What they are commenting on may have triggered up unconscious memories about their own childhoods...their anxiety gets raised and for various reasons they feel compelled to say something."
Unsolicited Advice That is Unfriendly
Unfortunately not all advice from stranger is delivered so kindly.
How children are dressed seems to be the most common provoker of unsolicited advice, not only from one's grandmother or mother-in-law, but from people the parent does not know at all. Older people, especially can have strong feelings about keeping babies bundled up in even the hottest weather.
Other circumstances that seem to provoke remarks include tantrums, the use of pacifiers, and food choices. Sometimes people, for their own personal or cultural reasons, have such strong feelings about these topics that they don’t mince words when expressing their opinions.
Why Gratuitous Advice From Strangers is so Painful
Most people want so badly to be good parents, or to be honest, excellent parents. "There's always a feeling that you want to do more – you want to get it just right for your kid," suggests Dr. Orfanos. "That's so powerful and I think in many ways it leaves you vulnerable to people's comments."
New parents, in particular, may already feel unsure of themselves. Everything is new and parents of infants can be exhausted from getting up in the night. Any real or perceived criticism can feel overwhelming.
How to Handle the Unwanted Suggestions
What can parents do to protect themselves from the difficulty (and damage) of gratuitous advice from people they don't even know? Try these tips:
Prepare a response ahead of time. Dr. Orfanos thinks this preparation is half the battle. "You might say something like 'I appreciate your concern, but there is a context here you are not familiar with',” he says. In some cases, just a simple "thank you" will suffice.
Parents should remember that they have a right to feel angry and imposed upon by these situations. After all they have been imposed upon. Learning more about setting boundaries can be helpful.
It can also help to remember, "Feelings are not facts," suggests Dr. Orfanos. Just because someone is implying that one's parenting is less than ideal does not make it true, even if the parent is not so sure about it themselves. What the feelings can tell them is what their own issues and self-doubts are about. Those exist with or without obnoxious encounters and are worth looking into.
Remember that the person has a right to her own values, even if expressing them is not appropriate. Practice saying, “I guess we see this differently.” Most importantly remember that their comment comes from their own past experiences, and has little to do with the parent or her actions. After all, they are strangers!
There are times when unsolicited advice is appropriate. If the advice is intended to head off a potential catastrophe such as, "look out for that open man-hole down the block," or a possible difficulty such as, "you know the elevator is broken, you might need some help carrying your stroller up the stairs, can I be of assistance?"
In general, however, intruding on a parent's private relationship with his or her child, or commenting on the choices he or she has made about caring for that child is not appropriate unless a suggestion is specifically asked for. New parents are vulnerable to criticism as they learn how to parent their children. Being prepared ahead of time can help to fend off the feelings that come up when a parent is subjected to unexpected advice.
For further reading:
Unsolicited Advice and Stress: Different Types of Unsolicited Advice
*An in-person interview with Dr. Spyros Orfanos was conducted in May 2009.
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